Last night, NBC aired it's first installment of the highly
controversial new series 'To Catch a Pre-Teenager', an
investigation into a growing national epidemic; teens and
preteens trolling the Internet, looking for sex with seniors. To
expose them, multiple hidden cameras were set up in a house in
South Florida.

A decoy coaxes the boys in, but instead of finding a 70 or 80
year old home alone, the youngsters looking to fulfill their
perversions will meet a pretentious ratings-obsessed reporter.

Here’s an example of what we will witness: a
12 old, expert computer gamer, calls himself “N2daddies”
online. He thinks he’s here to meet a 72 year old named
George, but was actually sent a decoy photo. During his online
chat, he makes plans to give the senior oral sex, promising to do
simple chores in exchange. Some set the bait by offering
access to affordable prescription medications.

"I...I...thought I was going to do him a favor!", stuttered one punk,
grasping for excuses. "What? Do you really expect us believe that
someone as young and taut and adorable as you could possibly give
any degree of joy to an honorable older gentleman through some sick
physical act?", the repoter bellows, stopping only to check his hair.

Often, these young criminals claim never to have solicited
online before or were simply trying to teach seniors about the
dangers of the Evil Internets. One hoodlum had the gall to show up
with an electric blanket. "He said he was cold!", obviously
feigning compassion.

"We are filled with disgust", said Sharon Needles, a spokesperson for
OOMPCKE (Officials Occasionally Making Public Comments to Keep Employment).
"Everyone knows how important Seniors are to our culture and economy.
The Elderly are the most highly respected and admired group in our society
and our successful Health Care and Social Security systems prove it!"
She sadly adds,"Just think how depressed these innocent people must feel
being reduced to mere sexual objects!"

What is causing this national problem? Dr. Dinah Kanser explains for us:
"Children are born with Original Sin, which means they are dirty and perverted
from the onstart, so by the time they are pre-teens, they are
pathologically depraved predators and well experienced in their
personal filthy fetishes."

Is this simply a ploy to increase ratings? NBC denies such a claim. "These Folk are our Nation Treasures, they work hard and live morally their whole lives, then move to Miami Beach only to become unwilling playthings for the young. We are exposing this abuse as a public service. The producers work very hard, sometimes it takes months and months of using methods outside the law just to find a fool dumb enough to entrap....uh, I mean catch.



Rick James with makeup?
Michael Jackson without makeup?
Lindsay Lohan six months from now?
New 'cavewoman' installed at the Creation Museum?

You tell me.




O'SMITH: ...God exists and needs no proof. Can you prove he doesn't exist?
DAWKINS: Well, you might as well believe there is a Flying Fox News Monster...or...or some big, shiny exotic Space Station orbiting Terra at this very minute, as we speak! Wait....even better, this ship is filled with a utopian group of Multicultural Spacepeople in white Spacesuits at the controls! Yes, of course it rings absolutely absurd, and yet I can't prove it doesn't exist! Just as I can't prove your God doesn't...
O'SMITH: Dr. Dawkins, can you see this square?
O'SMITH: Now think of it as a circle.
O'SMITH: Hallelujah, you have just seen God! Praise.
DAWKINS: I beg your pardon? What ever medications are you on?

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o man, it rained.
it finally fucking rained. real rain.
towering thunderheads with black scud and nastyass killer lightning, that kinda rain.
better still, sixty percent chance for the next few days. farewell little blog, you know where i'll be. outside, planting. adding a bit more food and shelter and surface area. mother nature is so sexy, i just can't resist giving her a little pat on the butt.




In a surprising news conference, top scientists admitted
because of an embarrassingly small, simple miscalculation, Earth
is much younger than previously supposed. Cosmologists,
physicists and mathematicians scrambled feverishly to correct
the error previously overlooked by all, even skipping naps.
Their final conclusion? The earth is mere 4.6
hours old, give or take a few seconds.

"This is exciting news!", bleated Prof. Hosenstink from
the University of Boring Abstracts. "This means that evolution
is not some long, slow process, but is instead expressed in spurts, leaps and bounds!
Somebody slap me!" When asked of the implications this would have on the
grand scheme of things, Stephen Hawking, the darling of
nonhandicapped intellectuals, broke it down and punched it in for us: "'s...all...good...".

Some Federal offices have already issued memos, downplaying the latest news. The official statement from the White House is as follows: 'This Administration does not, nor ever will, base policies on scientific facts or any other kind of facts; it is the States' function to decide upon facts, unless they are factual facts, in which case, shall be ignored as facts and that's a fact.' The IRS is currently busy printing a pamphlet titled: "Don't Even Think About It".

The new finding may have small, but far reaching effects. The Antiques Roadshow has abruptly cancelled all future engagements until further notice and there are reports of French and German wineries hiring illegal immigrants for the sole purpose of peeling labels off bottles. In Los Angeles, the cosmetical surgery industry may soon face layoffs and bankruptcies. One of the many smiling beauties seen milling about summed it all up: "I feel so young again!".

Predictably, this new development has caused a stir among some Creationists. "Horsefeathers!", spewed Ray Comfort, apparently decribing one of his cohorts' creative visual aids. "We see many depictions of Father Time, they're everywhere! Hence he exists and he is always shown to be an old man! See? Ha ha, Stupid Science Guys! Nyah nyah, doo doo in yer face!".

"This is just another conspired attempt of the left-leaning Hollywood Gay Evolutionist Abortionists to discredit our accurate Creation Museum, which is entirely fact-based and we have the animatronics and displays with very old fonts to prove it.", Ken Ham states. He presses on, in a statement so shocking, it is sure to draw ire and mockery from academic communities: "The dating of fossils and rocks through various methods clearly indicates that Earth is millions, if not billions of years old!" He adds, "If you know God, the Bible translates itself!".

Other religious leaders across the globe took the latest news in stride; MC Hammatime Badabing Foshizzle, spokesperson for the Council Translating Koran From Truth To Shyte So We Can Buy Cool Stuff From Capitalists Discovery Institute was considerate enough to take time away from his wife's castration to tell us: "It has ever been written; The omnipacifist Qu'aran once again has shown the imperialist Western infidel slutlovers that the Prophecy of Mohammed is always right and you suck. Peace be with you. Praise Allah!".



Basically, my three acre oasis is a under a strict self-imposed 'No Kill Zone' policy. Since I'm a hypocritical human, three exceptions apply:
1) Mosquitoes may be smacked.
1) Cockroaches may be stomped
1) Armadillos, in a perfect world, should be trapped when viewed as a nuisance

Speaking of 3, there's only three things that truly depress me:
1) When it's too cold for my plantings
2) When it's too dry for my plantings
3) When armadillos destroy my plantings

I will hide behind the fact that armadillos are non-native, while firmly believing this species would have inevitably made the trek to the Southern U.S. anyway. Of course, like virtually all animals, it's a highly interesting critter, but the damage they cause to my my little horticultural wonderland is infuriating. Since Central Florida is in the midst of a drought, they scramble from near and far, attracted to the soil dwellers in my artificially irrigated gardens. A major concern of mine is the effect on endangered Sand Skink populations, which have become reestablished on my property, due to habitat I've worked hard to recreate. I've trapped and released in past years, but setting a trap for armadillos requires constructing a veritable maze to lead them to it, yet it doesn't imply success; not even close.

I hereby offer a 15 gallon native tree/shrub per animal or one native tree/shrub seedling per inch of animal, all to be planted on my property, of course.
So come kill the armadillos.
Just don't make me watch.

Sand Skink (Neoseps reynoldsi)
Nine-banded Armadillo (Dasypus novemcinctus)



The glorious Sailfin Molly hails from the Gulf Coast States. It is a survival machine, found in almost every bit of water, from swamps to seas, clean or polluted. Their upturned mouths ensure access to the topmost oxygen rich water. They are live-bearers, popping out young'uns without any apparent schedule, ergo liberated from all the issue-laden parameters reserved for egg-layers.

Warm water is what makes them frisky. If you wade where shallow water simmers in the sun, almost hot to the touch, you'll experience Molly orgies splashing all over your ugly legs; the heat drives them to such an insane lust, not even fear is a consideration. What a fuckforce!



The elusive Ms. Higgs may be showing signs of her "God Particle", much to the glee of nest-haired physicists worldwide, who hardy can contain themselves.
"Wow, j...just think of the''s all about the Mass!" Well, stop stuttering and start weighin 'em in, boys.



As the generous body of world renowned philanthropist and multiple Nobel Peace Prize nominee Jerry Falwell was descending toward sacred soil, the banter of obscene chanting from across the street was drowning out the creaks of the straining crane.
"Burn in hell, whoremongin', fagfuckin', niggerlovin' commie!"
"God hates you!"
Fred Phelps & Family were at it again, parading around the barriers of democratic tolerance.
"He is the Enemy of Our Lord, hosting some liberal artyfarty faggyass school, where they blaspheme about Brain Stems ...or Baby Brains... or whatever those Satan worshippers call the abominations, so the sinner shall burn for eternity, because the Scriptures state that God hates Smarty Pants!", rants Fred with ample spittle.
"The Swine of Sodom was probably a pedophile, but it takes so long to get around his fat gluttonous ass, you would practically be Methuselah by the time he got his
aidsfagbuttsex!", guffawed Fred Phelps' older sister, Ann Coulter, eyes rolling independently
Surprisingly, the Falwell mourning mob of three's only reaction was to smile faintly and wave at the Phelps Circus. Later it was revealed that using hearing aids is on the Sabbath punishable by death.
Elsewhere, Kirk Cameron, the voice of reason, was displaying images of cats with fins, while gazing skyward, but this is most likely an unrelated incident.