In a surprising news conference, top scientists admitted
because of an embarrassingly small, simple miscalculation, Earth
is much younger than previously supposed. Cosmologists,
physicists and mathematicians scrambled feverishly to correct
the error previously overlooked by all, even skipping naps.
Their final conclusion? The earth is mere 4.6
hours old, give or take a few seconds.

"This is exciting news!", bleated Prof. Hosenstink from
the University of Boring Abstracts. "This means that evolution
is not some long, slow process, but is instead expressed in spurts, leaps and bounds!
Somebody slap me!" When asked of the implications this would have on the
grand scheme of things, Stephen Hawking, the darling of
nonhandicapped intellectuals, broke it down and punched it in for us: "'s...all...good...".

Some Federal offices have already issued memos, downplaying the latest news. The official statement from the White House is as follows: 'This Administration does not, nor ever will, base policies on scientific facts or any other kind of facts; it is the States' function to decide upon facts, unless they are factual facts, in which case, shall be ignored as facts and that's a fact.' The IRS is currently busy printing a pamphlet titled: "Don't Even Think About It".

The new finding may have small, but far reaching effects. The Antiques Roadshow has abruptly cancelled all future engagements until further notice and there are reports of French and German wineries hiring illegal immigrants for the sole purpose of peeling labels off bottles. In Los Angeles, the cosmetical surgery industry may soon face layoffs and bankruptcies. One of the many smiling beauties seen milling about summed it all up: "I feel so young again!".

Predictably, this new development has caused a stir among some Creationists. "Horsefeathers!", spewed Ray Comfort, apparently decribing one of his cohorts' creative visual aids. "We see many depictions of Father Time, they're everywhere! Hence he exists and he is always shown to be an old man! See? Ha ha, Stupid Science Guys! Nyah nyah, doo doo in yer face!".

"This is just another conspired attempt of the left-leaning Hollywood Gay Evolutionist Abortionists to discredit our accurate Creation Museum, which is entirely fact-based and we have the animatronics and displays with very old fonts to prove it.", Ken Ham states. He presses on, in a statement so shocking, it is sure to draw ire and mockery from academic communities: "The dating of fossils and rocks through various methods clearly indicates that Earth is millions, if not billions of years old!" He adds, "If you know God, the Bible translates itself!".

Other religious leaders across the globe took the latest news in stride; MC Hammatime Badabing Foshizzle, spokesperson for the Council Translating Koran From Truth To Shyte So We Can Buy Cool Stuff From Capitalists Discovery Institute was considerate enough to take time away from his wife's castration to tell us: "It has ever been written; The omnipacifist Qu'aran once again has shown the imperialist Western infidel slutlovers that the Prophecy of Mohammed is always right and you suck. Peace be with you. Praise Allah!".

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